ME

There is a lot of thing in my head. And none of the elements is a positive vibe.

I'm tired.
I'm hopeless.
I'm giving up.
I'm stuck.

Believe me. I can list more than 10, but all of it is negativity. I need a break. But I don't know what to do and where to go or how to accomplish it. Feel like lying down the whole day and clearing up my mind. Just focusing on me. ME.

It's IMPOSSIBLE.

I knew it is unimaginable. Focusing on ME. It is an opportunity that I lost years back. Not that I regret or sad or feel miserable about it instead when I am thinking about it, it is more than great. It is awesome. It is priceless. All I have now, it is more than enough. Far away than enough.

But currently, I am really demoralised. There is a lot of things happened. Some I lost control of it. And the worst I am losing control of myself. I felt really bad. I can't move forward.

Waking up this morning with all the negativity turn me into a silent me. Which is BAD. This is a way that I chose and hope to give me some space. A space I needed the most.  A space that I can be me. Just ME. Leaving behind all the responsibility. Without anybody judgment.

It is tiring.
I need a break.
I need the POSITIVE me.

I guess sometimes it's feasible to give ourselves a slacking moment. Keep pushing up does not contribute any advantages.

Sit, relax and cherish the moment.

Kid vs Adult

When I was a kid, I thought being an adult is awesome.
And now I am an adult, and I think the best time is when I was a kid.

Hahahahahaha... how beautiful life is. Teaching a lesson while we live with it.

Being a kid or an adult having its own perk and precious moments. Also, have its personal challenge and hardship. Don't ever underestimate kids. Put yourself on their shoes, and think. We have been there before. And all of us successfully gone through the phase. Regardless what have you become, but we survived, and here we are today.

It's the journey. The journey of surviving. I just wanna share something about this.

My second child cried this morning when I woke him up for school.

Me: Wake up son, it's 7.30am, u gonna be late
Him: **cried** I don't want to go school today. I'll go on Monday.
Me : ??? **immediately transform into a monster** 😂
Him:**stop crying and continue sleeping**
Me: **Monster now double its size** 👿 What happened, son? Why u don't want to go to school?
Him: **cried** I don't want to write about Lineham Farm **cried**
Me: I don't understand? Explain, please.
Him: Teacher asked everybody to write about Lineham Farm and our activity there on last Monday. **still crying**
Me: Then just write what do u feel about it.
**it is easy to reply when u being a MOMster. I don't think. I just want to make him move to the bathroom**
Him: I don't know how to do it, and we have to do it alone. **crying and crying and crying**

It's turn out to be a long morning session with him. I'm turning from mom to a MOMster and mom and kids and mom again. How confusing I am. No complaint. It ends up with priceless bonding time with him.

Did I mention he is 7 years old? And I am 38 years old. Kid vs. adult. I realised when I was a kid this is the reason why I think it is fantastic being an adult. And now when I have to deal with the situation that I faced years back, trust me it's not easy being a kid or an adult either.

I told him, that's how life goes on. Every day we will face a lot of things, and either we realised it or not we have survived until today. There are ups and down. But we learn to overcome it. Sometimes, somebody is helping us, but sometimes we need to do it alone. Regardless of all those factors, time is running and not waiting even a second for us to move. When it's happened to be at the lowest phase in our life, then we get up and face it. Either it gonna be a success or failure, it's the journey that teaches us.

And I told him "Today u got to go school and do whatever u know. And if u don't know how to do it, Ask your teacher. It is ok either you succeed or failed to write, but one thing for sure, you will learn how to write starting from today. Don't be afraid cause you are not alone. I was there before, Abang too, and both of us sometimes is still facing the same thing."

I'm not sure either he understands or not what I am trying to tell him. But then, we continue to talk and laugh, and I am turning into a monster again when he act like usual he is. We hug, and I told him "I love you son".. and he replied "I love you mom," and he continues after pausing a few seconds "but I still don't know how to write." Hahahahahaha...

Regardless of who we are, all of us have a vulnerable moment. We feel like avoiding it, but we have no choices and holding into that moment does not give any advantages or solve any problems. Believe in yourself, get up, and face it. There will be something waiting for you at the end of it. Either it is a good or bad outcome, u have passed one stage that u believed u can't do it at the beginning of it. If it is a success, it is a bonus but if it is a failure, you are not alone, everybody faces it, don't feel shame. If u see people succeed in life, it is because they successfully overcome their moment, they have their own ups and downs, but they don't stop trying.

It's 10.15 am now. And I already successfully passed my morning challenge today and ready to face another challenge for next years of life. It's not difficult though. But of course, I got into my failure moment also. I become a MOMster and develop morning chaos before I realised "I was there before and here I am today."

**Thanks, son, u teach me a priceless lesson today.

Judgemental

We BORN with it.

Either we judge people or things positively or negatively, either we do it on purpose, or unintentionally, judging is always being part of us.

"How beautiful that girl."
"How nice that guy, giving those stray cat food."
"Stay aside, I don't want to bump into that dirty old man, he might be crazy."
Bla bla bla bla...

We actually LOVE doing it. A fact of life sucks.

People always claim they don't merely judge others. And we don't like people judging us. But then we still unconsciously or enjoying commenting about others.

The most vital is, do we at the position of deciding others? And do we ever think we DON'T HAVE ANY RIGHTS to make a judgment only by looking from afar?

I think simple rule is, be FAIR to everybody as we like people to be fair with us.

JUDGEMENTAL??? Naaa.. I don't judge people. ARE YOU DAMN SURE?

"How to make a chicken soup?"

How we always hope everything goes as per plan.
Do we ever think whatever comes on our way is the best that could happen to us?

We always upset when we feel like we fail to plan. And intelligent people always say "if we fail to plan, we plan to fail." What a significant phrase it is. It is not 100% wrong, in fact, it is more than correct. It beautifully sends the message of how important to plan. How organised it will be with proper planning. It will provide you with less stress and more confident.

But then, do we ever realised sometimes planning is something that may upset us? And what do we do when we fail to plan? Blame others? Keep mourning? Crying? Forgetting?

Do it again, and we will succeed. "Fail is a beginning of success," said smart people.

Planning is a right way of doing things. And if your plan fails, don't ever hold yourself from feel upset. But don't take too long. It is not always when your program fails; you are failing. Accept it as just a way of learning. How can't we deny it? When we do something, we need to gather a lot of things.

Say we want to learn how to make chicken soup. We need to learn how to clean a chicken, what the ingredients we need, how long to cook so we have the best texture of the chicken, how many salts should we put and so on. We spend a half day learning all that, but then the result is, our chicken soup is too salty.

And what the common conclusion we made? I fail. Yaaaa.. of course you failed. It is a big failure.  Can't you even cook a simple chicken soup?  How bad. Let's cry 😭😭😭😭.

Ok enough! Do we realise we learned a lot through the way of "making chicken soup." Let's look at one of the possibility:

• We may now know to clean a chicken.
• Owh.. this is ginger!!! Yeaaaa, I always confused it with turmeric.
• Oooooo.. this is how we should make chicken soup.
• Hurmmm.. too many ingredients, but at least now you know what makes a chicken soup taste like chicken soup.

Or maybe
It is not easy to make a chicken soup, how I always love my mom's chicken soup.

The feel of appreciating.

Or at least
We learn the route to go to the market!! Yeaaaa

😂Ridiculous .

But that's it. The journey is long. We spend a lot of time on planning, preparing, gathering, etc. in order to make sure a successful task. Along the way, we may learn 100 simples thing that needed by ourselves. I mean come on, one day you might need to buy ginger for your in-laws, you can't go wrong on embarrassing yourself.

And you may learn a valuable thing like the feeling of appreciating. Who knows, your salty chicken soup is actually what you need to connect you and your mom.

That is the message of "fail is a beginning of success," and it also tells that learning is a lifetime process.

Keep planning. Don't afraid of failure. Feel sad. Do cry. But don't stop learning. Always believes there is a lesson behind a simple step. Appreciate the journey, not only the success.

And who said salty chicken soup is a failure? Think again.

the beast of life

Life is getting tougher day by day. Even I have everything by now. I mean this is what my dream is when I was 10. My bucket list so called:

• I want to be a doctor (One of two famous professions at my place 😂).
• I want to have a good salary so that I can buy whatever I want (I was thinking of buying barbie of course 😇).
• I want to go far away from my village (😫).
• I want to help my grandparents and my parents (always a good kid 😭)
• .........

I can't remember all of them. But I guess I have everything by now. I am not a doctor, but I have a good profession with a good salary. I can buy anything I need without hoping others to buy for me. I am now impossible to reach my village within an hour. And definitely, I have the capability of helping my loved ones.

But, why I asked for all this back then? It is not a question to ask. Because my answer now is no more valid since i can't even remember all of them.

A good question will be, how do I feel when I actually have all this? What did I do with it? Do I realize that I have everything that I could ask for?

One thing for sure your bucket list will never empty. We will always ask for more. We will never say thanks. We never appreciate what we have but we kept asking why we don't have.

I asked for a chance to help my grandparents and my parents but I kept finding a reason not to. And I even blame a good profession that I have. And by that, I start to ask for more. Give me more time, I want to help my loved ones. But do I really believe I can help them with the extra time? Or I will find another excuse?

It's really funny.
But that's the reality.
The reality of life.
The reality of never feel enough but not even realised.
The reality of asking instead of giving.
The reality of appreciating is a burden but blaming is a relief.
The reality that we kept denying but kept doing it.

It's tough to accept. But that's the beast of life. The facts that we used to live with every day. The things that we actually cherish all the time.

Does it really that bad?

Anak-anak dah besar

Tengok balik entry lama..
Tengok balik gambar lama.
Hurmmm.. Dah besar anak-anak.
Hurmmm.. Makin besar tanggungjawab.

Ya ALLAH.. Berikan aku kekuatan agar dapat kudidik amanahmu ini menjadi khalifah yang berjuang pada jalan dalam mempertahankan agamamu.

Ingat nak taip panjang lagi ayat macam kat atas.. Tp doa kat blog tak dimakbulkan ALLAH kan...

Jom sambung atas tikar sejadah 😁😁😁.